I have always been confident about myself. I have average self-esteem and I used to be satisfied, content, and happy with what I have. Now they’re all in past tense because I have doubted myself. I didn’t care what people would say about me. Actually, I never cared what they say about me. And I’ve never done anything to make them say things about me. But these days, their meaningless words seem to be affecting me little by little.
I am beautiful. WE ALL ARE. I know I am beautiful because God made me and constantly reminds me, because my sister tells me, because my guy tells me, and because my friends(real friends) and parents tell me. And I actually believe them because that is true. I’m agreeing not because I’m thick-skinned or shot to the sky overconfident, but because I believe that we are all beautiful in our own way. Why can’t others just live their own lives without having something mean to say about another person? Why do they have to comment on your hair and make it sound like it’s the most important thing in the world and that it should really matter because if you don’t have perfect hair the world will crumble and it’s your fault? (Just an example mehehe). To be honest, I’ve been feeling insecure about myself lately. I sometimes sit and wonder if I am worth the person I am. I barely question my worth because I know I am God’s precious child, and as useless and awful I could get as a person, He’s going to love and accept me.
I have a small physique. I’m barely 5’’ actually I’m just 4’11 L hahaha and my height really didn’t seem to matter to me. In my country the average height is 4’’ so heeey good news I’m above average! People would often tease me about how tiny I am and I would just laugh along because it’s nothing really serious, and short people are cute people 😉 but the problem is, I seem to have breasts that doesn’t seem to go with my small body or they just look bigger because I have a small body. I really don’t know. I think that they’re just fine. I don’t need them to be bigger or smaller because I will let the natural orders of things to decide what to do because she knows best. Before, I didn’t really care what people say about my breasts. They’re pretty, firm and nicely shaped. But insecure bitches would never fail to say something about them. “she’s got them stuffed to look bigger” “I bet she’s just an A-cup” “she just wants attention” oh please, the only attention I’d love to get are those coming from people who matter and mean a lot to me. I also don’t think that cup sizes measure your worth and I only have 2 bras which has this foamy foam in it and I only use it when all else fails when I really have nothing else to use, and when my mom nags me because I’m not using the things she’s bought me. They don’t really matter but at some point it irks me. I have been wearing loose clothes so that I’d give them the illusion that I’m kinda bigger than what I actually am. I get kind of scared whenever I wear fitting clothes because I’m afraid about what they have to say 😦 I’m not like that before. I think that fitting clothes might accentuate my petite-ness and would give them all the more reason to say awful things about my body. *siiigh* My waist ranges from 23-25 depending on the jeans. There are sizes 25 that are big for me so I’d have to go for a 24 and so on. And I have never in my life forced myself to vomit and lose weight. In fact, I’m trying me best to gain weight!! I have never taken laxatives or any dieting shit. I know I don’t need them. Gosh it’s my body, My mom and I(moms truly knows best muahaha) know best what my body’s needs. So why do they have to go around saying I’ve been fucking my boyfriend like crazed rabbits? (they say that if you have sex you’ll become skinnier and that’s what people in my school believe and I’m not sure because I haven’t really…) I haven’t even done anything to you. And if my boyfriend and I ever have sex, what is it to you? I really feel bad about all that. You bust size, your waist, your height, your thighs, your arms. They are not the person you are. They don’t constitute of your worth as a person. I am more than a number.
I am a strong person (I just know I am). I have my family, people supporting me, real friends, and my lover 😉 and above all God. But words sting, at first I could ignore them. I could make myself ignore and not give a fuck about what they have to say because I don’t have to please them. But lately, I’ve been thinking twice. I’ve been feeling like this really ugly piece of shit. It became hard for me to believe when people I care tell me I’m beautiful. I feel like a hideous beast. I feel like I’m the ugliest thing on the planet. I feel like the most useless pile of crap put together. Nobody deserves to feel this way… why do people always have something bad to say when you’re feeling good? People always manage to dig up some dirt when you become successful. Why can’t they be happy when you’re happy? Should there always be people who’ll pull you down no matter what? Aaaah god. This sucks.
I guess I just have to toughen up J I’m pretty pretty pretty pretty ❤ sigh.